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» From "Beneath The Silt" // May 13, 2013 12:05:29 AM UTC
Hitting my all time low, I decided to make a desperate grasp at peace, and read through these journal entries again. This one hit me like a freight train. Every emotion that I have had contained through all the stupid shit just poured out. I spend my life watching others walk around happy to just be there, and I don't get it. I put on a mask everyday that says my life is great there is nothing wrong, but we all have problems. I just never let mine out so my demons grow everyday until they can't be contained any longer, and it almost became too much for me to handle.
It's like being stuck at the bottom of a hole, and every time you try to reach the top you fall back down only to find that the bottom got deeper. This continues until you get so far down that you can't see the light anymore. For a little while I kept trying to climb out because it was the only thing I knew. It was the only thing I had been doing with my life for quite a long time.
I stayed inside and slept all damn week cause I just didn't see any reason to keep moving forward, and when I wasn't asleep I was drunk off my ass. I could see all the people who called themselves my friends just watching me slowly destroy myself, and all of them began to just disappear into the air. this morning I woke up, picked up my guitar, hit a chord and broke a string. I don't know why, but this triggered something and I just snapped. I just cried. I hit the lowest of lows I've ever known in my life, and I almost made the worst mistake of my life.
So I decided it was time to take a break from all the bull shit and go back to my favorite corner of the internet, and just read. Somehow I must have missed this one, but when I read it, it gave me the strangest sense of comfort. It was weird to see the man who has always been the source of my inspiration down so low, but when I kept reading it's like you were just able to move on, and I figured you know maybe I could find a way to push through all the bull shit, and just live.
I don't know if you will even read this, but I don't think I know the write words to say how many times you have helped me through dark times, and this was definitely the darkest time I have ever experienced.
Once again you have saved my life.
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